I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
