I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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