Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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