I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
