fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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