everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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