Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
