I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
