how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize