1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The maid of honor just puked.
I'm going to jail i love you
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
organizing the empties. That sober.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize