you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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