Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
