I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
