I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
