she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
