You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
