someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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