just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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