you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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