Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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