I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize