I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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