So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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