Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
