I am puke
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
