Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
