Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
