listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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