i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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