you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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