I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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