Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
