The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
