I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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