The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
