My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
