I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
