Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
