the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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