girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
