I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Green mimosas i think yes
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
