Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
