everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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