I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
