I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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