I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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