my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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