I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
