i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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