the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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