I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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