Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
