just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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