this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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