I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
not ubering you a puppy
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
