I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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