I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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