I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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