Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
