i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
