Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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